How To Choose Your Life Partner?

Choosing your life partner is one of the most important decisions you make in your life. Your future entirely lies on the threshold of the choice you make. With your future lying exposed to this decision, are you one amongst those who leave it to destiny? Would you settle for someone who does not fulfill your desires, because you think that your desires are way too specific? Worst - would you leave it to chance? Talking about choosing your life partner, the first thing would be on what basis would you make the choice. Remember, whatever be your choice, the person should be one with whom you can continue to grow, laugh, be surprised, share your interests and ideas year after year, without getting bored. Choose a person who is compatible with you and makes you feel loved and cared for. In the following lines, we have provided tips on how to choose your life partner.

Choosing Your Life Partner:

Determine Your Needs

Before choosing your life partner, you need to determine your needs. You need to find out what attributes you are looking for in your life partner. Pen down a wish list of all the things you are looking for - the most important ones as well as the seemingly unimportant ones. Right from physical looks, career, financial status to moral values, etiquettes and spiritual beliefs, make a list that covers all the sectors. This way you can limit your choice. For instance, if you are certain that your would-be should be a businessman / homemaker; your options would then be limited, as those who are in a job can be ignored.

 

Analyze Past Relationship

Many-a-times we are bombarded with the question - What did you learn from your past relationships? Though it might be embarrassing or hurting, the question is an important one to consider before choosing your life partner. Find out what was it that attracted you to your ex? Was it his/her smartness and looks? Was it his/her care and affection? Was it his/her financial status? You should also find out what went wrong in the once-so-rosy affair. This would help you find out your needs, which he/she could not fulfill.

 

Analyze People You Admire

Evaluating people you admire would also be a good option to consider before selecting your Mr. or Ms. Right. This would help you understand qualities that are important for you in life. You need to find out what is that you admire in them. Is it his/her sense of humor? Is he/she extremely loyal and trustworthy? Is it his/her family background?  By determining the characteristics of the person you admire, you are unknowingly or knowingly setting the mark for your ideal mate.

 

Personal Characteristics & Values

Though one of the most ignored sectors, determining personal characteristics and values is extremely vital. Remember, personal character defines the future of a person. For instance, if he/she is a hardworking and persistent person, he/she is likely to be financially well off in future. A person with strong moral values is likely to be spiritual. Identify the characteristic that you are looking for in your ideal mate. Right from compassion, affection, determination, honesty to sexuality, self-discipline, vivaciousness intelligence and wit, there are a lot of things you need to consider. If you are sociable, ideally your partner should be one who loves talking or making friends.

 

Take Time

Limiting yourself to a specific date or a scheduled time for finding the right partner is an unreasonable demand. Remember, it a matter of your life and your future is based on your choice. One wrong decision and you would be regretting and repenting all your life. These things are sensitive and can take from a few days to several months. Make sure you give in all the time that you want, before pronouncing the judgment.

 

Trust Your Choice

Remember, a person should dictate his/her needs and wants and not the other way round. Do not think about what you 'should' want. Instead, focus on what you want and desire in life. Do not be concerned about whether your desires and needs are right or shallow or unpopular. Keep in mind, no two persons can have the same needs or wants. Once you have made a choice, trust it and give in your 100% in the relationship! Good luck!

 

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? Perhaps you have a shopping list of “must have” traits. If so, you are not alone. The most common characteristics people want in their partners include honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, openness to new ideas, stability, communication, common hobbies and interests, and willingness to work on the relationship to make it succeed. Though men and women might seek similar traits in a partner, research has demonstrated that each individual focuses on different qualities. Men typically want a relationship that allows autonomy, while women look for a sense of connection.

To begin your quest to find the right partner, think about the traits and behaviors you prefer. Most people automatically think of superficial traits such as “height” or “blue eyes.” Though these traits can be important, other traits are more important when it comes to having a healthy, long-term relationship. Here is a list of some important qualities to consider:

Commitment to personal growth

• Is interested in learning how to be a better person and spouse.
• Is aware of emotional baggage, blind spots, and weaknesses.
• Has personal goals for self-improvement.



Emotional Openness

• Is aware of his or her own feelings
• Is able to express his or her feelings
• Desires to share feelings with you



Integrity

• Is honest with himself or herself
• Is honest with others and you
• Does not play games about wants and feelings



Maturity and Responsibility

• Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles finances
• Is able to take care of himself or herself
• Follows through on promises, shows up on time, doesn't let people down
• Respects your boundaries, feelings, time, etc.



High Self-esteem

• Takes pride in himself or herself without being arrogant
• Takes care of body, living environment, car, possessions
• Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her



Positive Attitude Towards Life

• Focuses on solutions instead of problems
• Turns obstacles into opportunities
• Sees the good in situations and people

Now that your list is complete consider some flaws that are fatal to a relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be capable of having a relationship. However, you may have a problem-filled relationship. According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD the following is a list of fatal flaws:

• Addictions
• Anger
• Victim consciousness
• Control freak
• Sexual dysfunction
• Hasn't grown up
• Emotionally unavailable
• Hasn't recovered from past relationships
• Emotional damage from childhood

Analyze Yourself

Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and handle them . In addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want to develop in future relationship(s)? Finally, examine other factors that might affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female roles, religious background, and socioeconomic needs.

Analyze Your Relationship

Once you are in a relationship continue to examine your compatibility with your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to be in a relationship. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities you like because they don't interest your partner or reducing communication with family members your partner dislikes.

Talk to Your Partner

You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. You need to find out the behaviors and attitudes you can expect for later. It is important to learn not only about your partner but also about your partner's relationship with his or her family. Moreover, learning about your partner's family will provide insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:

• What do you like to do for fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
• How do you handle tough times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
• What were your parents like when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
• What are your plans for the future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money? Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about? What conversations do you like to avoid?

Take Your Time

Overall, be patient. Take the time to get to know potential partners before jumping into a relationship. After all, you wouldn't select the first apple that caught your eye in the produce bin! Why be any less selective with your choice of mate.

How to choose a desirable partner and avoid a bad choice?

 

To be able to recognize a suitable mate, you have to know what actually constitutes a desirable partner. Many people don't have an idea of what truly satisfies them. They confuse what they need with what they want, and for what they'll settle. Many have no clue of what they really expect, and expectations can set the foundation for how gratifying you regard a relationship. The greater your expectation, the more frustrated you can be. Ultimately, you can reach a point where you can accurately determine what satisfies you through self-evaluation.
I have found that if you stopped many couples just before they headed down the aisle and asked them what satisfied them, many would have to think long and hard before they could answer. Yet, if they knew what they wanted and what satisfied them, and were able to communicate such information, I'll bet that the 50 percent divorce rate would drop significantly. Like being unprepared for a test, being unprepared for a relationship will very often result in frustration and failure. You can pick the wrong person.

You will not have an enduring relationship until you know what satisfies you. There are very different ways this can be ascertained. 

Discovering what truly satisfies you is difficult for many people because it entails examining your inner self and acknowledging what it is that really matters most to you beyond your "ideal" wants list. This list is largely based on your life experiences. A baby responds immediately by crying when he or she is not satisfied. He or she can be easily satisfied by being held or fed. Therefore, a baby immediately learns that crying leads to being satisfied. As we grow, we learn that there are increasingly more things that satisfy us and we find many ways to achieve that satisfaction.
Not unlike your "wants" list, you will find that what satisfied you when you were in your twenties might be completely different than what satisfies you when you are in your thirties, forties or fifties. It also can vary because of external factors.
To know what satisfies you, you have to be able to see, hear, taste, and feel experiences in your life. You need to be aware of your beliefs and know what you are passionate about. When you can identify the pleasurable feelings that accompany certain activities, you can start to acknowledge the sensation of feeling satisfied. You can then repeat those behaviors that create satisfaction and stop doing things that create negative reactions. Your brain will tell you what looks good, smells good, tastes good, sounds good and feels good. So, listen to it.
Ironically, many people are unable to know what really satisfies them because they are much more in touch with what dissatisfies them. They focus on the negative rather than on positive experiences. They have not taken the time to become aware of what makes them feel good. Such negativity is, unfortunately, not uncommon today. Perhaps we take the positive aspects for granted, or perhaps the media has pointed out the negatives so often on news reports that we have become programmed to find flaws and recall bad experiences more quickly than good ones.
The point is, you may need to dig down and push yourself to think of what made you feel satisfied, physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually and so on. And by satisfied, we mean feeling good inside, stress-free and happy.
When you figure out what satisfies you, you will have an understanding of the core factors that are necessary for you to have a lasting relationship. Most of the "wants" are nice to have, but are not essentials, unlike what satisfies.

It's sometimes difficult for many to just read the warning signs in front of them. When a relationship begins, you may wonder, "what will we ever fight about?" We tend to put on rose-colored glasses and make assumptions about the new partner. We like to hold positive illusions unless a person has trust issues. To avoid getting fooled again, you have to not discount what you are told and read what's in front of you. If she has a vanity license plate that says PRINCESS, understand that. If a person says they don't want to get serious, take them at their word. If they state that they are a bad person to get involved with, believe them. If they do something that indicates a substance abuse problem, they have significant anger issues or will have problems with fidelity( if this is important to you), don't put yourself in an "if only...but" situation. This relationship would be great if only but they didn't" ( fill in the blank with drink, spend carelessly, gamble, be abusive etc.)
Some really don't want to avoid poor choices because their actions, not words, indicate they get involved in co-dependent relationships. If you engage a person who has more problems than you, guess whom you don't have to focus on? Whose issues you can deny and avoid? In other words, some people act as if they want or need to make poor choices because it provides them with an excuse to sit on the pity pot and to feel victimized. Many self-sabotage themselves by making bad decisions.