What seems to separate those who find success in life from those who do not, is not a lack of talent, but rather a lack of action. This is not to say talent has no bearing. Nonetheless, if you are frozen by inaction, you will never realize the true extent of your talents. Why do you fail to get going? Perhaps you are scarred by previous attempts and their associated disappointments, thereby paralyzing any future attempts for fear of failure. Or maybe you lack confidence to make major commitments. It could even be the fact that you are just plain lazy. However, here’s a simple experiment that, if followed, will bring motivation, confidence and action into your life. I call it the 10-Day Experiment. The 10-Day Experiment is just that…an experiment. I based it off of my experience last year with the Lemonade Fast, a 10-day fast which aims at ridding the body of all the toxins it has built up over the years. Although initially difficult, I noticed that after the 10 days, it would have been fairly simple to continue with the fast if I wanted to. Since then, I’ve applied this same 10-day pattern to many different aspects of my life. For example, I’ve used it in regularly get up at 5AM every morning, in doing daily planning, to changing the foods I eat. Each of these “experiments” ended up turning into solidified habits. Last night, I just finished the latest application of this experiment. I used it to provide the impetus for the Body for Life program that I will be covering over the next 12 weeks in this blog. How it Works In a nutshell, you take something that you have wanted to try, improve, or change in your life, and for the next 10 days, you try it out. For example, if you have always wanted to be an early riser (say 5AM), you would over the course of 10 days get up at 5AM. It’s that simple. You make the decision that no matter what, you’ll stick to that decision for at least 10 days. It helps to think of it less as a commitment or lifestyle change and more like a trial run. The best part about this, is that it only lasts for 10 days. If after the 10 days, it doesn’t seem to fit in your life or you don’t find it beneficial, you can stop. This relieves the added pressure of “a commitment”. Even if you don’t decide to continue, at least you stuck with a goal that you made to yourself. That in itself builds personal trust and confidence. By sticking to something for 10 days straight, you will have the ability to make major improvements in your life. You will gain more confidence, personal trust, discipline and willpower to apply in all your life endeavors. Beyond the 10 Days It seems (at least for me and others with whom I’ve talked with) that the first 10 days are the most difficult. From there, I’ve noticed a definite progression that happens over 10-day increments, until the action becomes a habit. Let me explain this progression in terms of “levels”. Level 0 – The Launch You have entered this level when you begin to apply action to a decision. Just like a rocket being launched, 90% of the fuel is used in overcoming earth’s gravitational pull, while the remaining 10% will keep it going. So it is with your “launch”. You will be using much of your energy in overcoming the inertia of your previous way of life. Level 1 – The Tipping Point Now that you’ve made it to the 10-day point, you may have noticed something. What was previously a struggle, seems now to be a lot more bearable. At level 1, you have just begun to overcome the inertia that held you bound to your old way of living. This is the level I like to call The Tipping Point. Although you’re up and running, it still hasn’t begun to be automatic for you. You now have an idea of what it’s like and it’s here that you can determine whether to turn the experiment into something you’d like to do for life, or to quit altogether. Level 2 – Momentum After 20 days, you’ve reached level 2. Here is where you’re picking up speed and have gained momentum. You no longer struggle to keep your commitment, however it still requires a conscious decision. You now know exactly how it will fit in your overall life. You’re well on your way at establishing a habit. Level 3 – The Habit At the 30-day mark, you’ve arrived at the final level. Level 3 is the realm of habit. Your daily commitment is well established and you realize a sense of freedom because it has now become automatic. At this point, it is actually more difficult to stop doing what you’ve been doing then to keep doing it. Now it’s time to send this into autopilot and try a new 10-day experiment! Life Applications Here are some applications in your life that you can apply this to: Addictions Trying to overcome addictions like coffee, soda, cigarettes or even video games or television, can all be helped with the 10-day Experiment. Just try and see what it’s like to go without your favorite addiction for 10 days (the first 3-4 days always seems the worst for me). Health Getting involved in a health and fitness program is a perfect candidate for the 10-day Experiment. After 10 days, you’ve overcome the initial inertia and if you like how it makes you feel you can stick with it. Focusing on what you eat is also a great candidate. For example, try going without white flour, or eat fresh fruits and vegetables everyday for 10 days. If you’ve always wanted to see what it’s like to be vegan, try refraining from eating any animal products for 10 days. I’ve tried a raw food diet for 20 days straight and discovered that I loved the way I felt but disliked the inconvenience while traveling for my work. Time Management For the next 10 days, work on planning your day each evening and sticking to that plan the next day. During those planning sessions, it’s a good idea to review the day and see where you can make improvements the next day. Productivity Focus on being absolutely productive for 10 days. For example, instead of lying around watching the boob tube, work on tasks that have needed to be done but you just “haven’t had the time to do them.” Well, now you do slacker…so get to work. Relationships Work on being completely unselfish towards your partner. For 10 days, work on their needs and go above and beyond your normal actions. You’ll probably be amazed at how much comes back to you in return that you’ll never want to stop! Finances Work on sticking to a budget for 10 days. Or for 10 days, see if you can save 10 dollars a day. Random Acts of Kindness Try finding ways to ser

10 Days to a Better Life

What seems to separate those who find success in life from those who do not, is not a lack of talent, but rather a lack of action. This is not to say talent has no bearing. Nonetheless, if you are frozen by inaction, you will never realize the true extent of your talents. Why do you fail to get going? Perhaps you are scarred by previous attempts and their associated disappointments, thereby paralyzing any future attempts for fear of failure. Or maybe you lack confidence to make major commitments. It could even be the fact that you are just plain lazy. However, here’s a simple experiment that, if followed, will bring motivation, confidence and action into your life. I call it the 10-Day Experiment.

The 10-Day Experiment is just that…an experiment. I based it off of my experience last year with the Lemonade Fast, a 10-day fast which aims at ridding the body of all the toxins it has built up over the years. Although initially difficult, I noticed that after the 10 days, it would have been fairly simple to continue with the fast if I wanted to. Since then, I’ve applied this same 10-day pattern to many different aspects of my life. For example, I’ve used it in regularly get up at 5AM every morning, in doing daily planning, to changing the foods I eat. Each of these “experiments” ended up turning into solidified habits. Last night, I just finished the latest application of this experiment. I used it to provide the impetus for the Body for Life program that I will be covering over the next 12 weeks in this blog.

How it Works

In a nutshell, you take something that you have wanted to try, improve, or change in your life, and for the next 10 days, you try it out. For example, if you have always wanted to be an early riser (say 5AM), you would over the course of 10 days get up at 5AM. It’s that simple. You make the decision that no matter what, you’ll stick to that decision for at least 10 days. It helps to think of it less as a commitment or lifestyle change and more like a trial run.

The best part about this, is that it only lasts for 10 days. If after the 10 days, it doesn’t seem to fit in your life or you don’t find it beneficial, you can stop. This relieves the added pressure of “a commitment”. Even if you don’t decide to continue, at least you stuck with a goal that you made to yourself. That in itself builds personal trust and confidence. By sticking to something for 10 days straight, you will have the ability to make major improvements in your life. You will gain more confidence, personal trust, discipline and willpower to apply in all your life endeavors.

Beyond the 10 Days

It seems (at least for me and others with whom I’ve talked with) that the first 10 days are the most difficult. From there, I’ve noticed a definite progression that happens over 10-day increments, until the action becomes a habit. Let me explain this progression in terms of “levels”.

Level 0 – The Launch

You have entered this level when you begin to apply action to a decision. Just like a rocket being launched, 90% of the fuel is used in overcoming earth’s gravitational pull, while the remaining 10% will keep it going. So it is with your “launch”. You will be using much of your energy in overcoming the inertia of your previous way of life.

Level 1 – The Tipping Point

Now that you’ve made it to the 10-day point, you may have noticed something. What was previously a struggle, seems now to be a lot more bearable. At level 1, you have just begun to overcome the inertia that held you bound to your old way of living. This is the level I like to call The Tipping Point. Although you’re up and running, it still hasn’t begun to be automatic for you. You now have an idea of what it’s like and it’s here that you can determine whether to turn the experiment into something you’d like to do for life, or to quit altogether.

Level 2 – Momentum

After 20 days, you’ve reached level 2. Here is where you’re picking up speed and have gained momentum. You no longer struggle to keep your commitment, however it still requires a conscious decision. You now know exactly how it will fit in your overall life. You’re well on your way at establishing a habit.

Level 3 – The Habit

At the 30-day mark, you’ve arrived at the final level. Level 3 is the realm of habit. Your daily commitment is well established and you realize a sense of freedom because it has now become automatic. At this point, it is actually more difficult to stop doing what you’ve been doing then to keep doing it. Now it’s time to send this into autopilot and try a new 10-day experiment!

Life Applications

Here are some applications in your life that you can apply this to:

Addictions

Trying to overcome addictions like coffee, soda, cigarettes or even video games or television, can all be helped with the 10-day Experiment. Just try and see what it’s like to go without your favorite addiction for 10 days (the first 3-4 days always seems the worst for me).

Health

Getting involved in a health and fitness program is a perfect candidate for the 10-day Experiment. After 10 days, you’ve overcome the initial inertia and if you like how it makes you feel you can stick with it.

Focusing on what you eat is also a great candidate. For example, try going without white flour, or eat fresh fruits and vegetables everyday for 10 days. If you’ve always wanted to see what it’s like to be vegan, try refraining from eating any animal products for 10 days. I’ve tried a raw food diet for 20 days straight and discovered that I loved the way I felt but disliked the inconvenience while traveling for my work.

Time Management

For the next 10 days, work on planning your day each evening and sticking to that plan the next day. During those planning sessions, it’s a good idea to review the day and see where you can make improvements the next day.

Productivity

Focus on being absolutely productive for 10 days. For example, instead of lying around watching the boob tube, work on tasks that have needed to be done but you just “haven’t had the time to do them.” Well, now you do slacker…so get to work. 

Relationships

Work on being completely unselfish towards your partner. For 10 days, work on their needs and go above and beyond your normal actions. You’ll probably be amazed at how much comes back to you in return that you’ll never want to stop!

Finances

Work on sticking to a budget for 10 days. Or for 10 days, see if you can save 10 dollars a day.

Random Acts of Kindness

Try finding ways to serve and help other people for the next 10 days. Randomly show acts of kindness to complete strangers.

Conclusion

One of my favorite things to do is carry out personal experiments. I love trying new things. Whether it’s living in a leaf hut out in the woods for a month straight, to seeing if I can clean my insides drinking nothing but lemonade for 10 days, if I feel I can benefit from it, I’ll try it. Sure, many of the things I’ve tried have not benefited me directly, but at least I’ve always learned something from it. And if nothing else, when I’m 100, wearing Depends, and confined to my rocking chair, at least I’ll have some cool stories I can tell my grandkids one day.

Experimentation is what all great discoverers have done. Edison ended up experimenting with thousands of filaments before he found the right one which would light up the world. In our personal development, it is no different. By applying the 10-Day Experiment to different facets of your life on a regular basis, you’ll be forced into action which will eventually light up your own world!

How to Read People: Preparing to Read

Learning to read people is one of the most important skills you can have in your interpersonal life. Whether you’re focusing on professional success, friendship, romance, marriage, career or parenting, understanding How to Read People will give you the ability to make sound decisions and develop incredible insight into people’s lives. With practice, your ability to understand the core motivations, desires, and thoughts of others can become so accurate as to border on an invasion of privacy.

In this 3-part series I will be covering the following:

1. Preparing Yourself to Read People: this is the subject of this first post. I describe how to mentally prepare yourself to become an effective people reader.
2. Beyond Words – what people are really saying: The next post contains the techniques and mindset needed to develop the art of reading people.
3. How to Tell if Someone is Lying to You: In the final post I’ll explain the techniques professional interrogators and body-language experts use to catch someone in a lie.

Taken from skills I’ve learned over the years from animal tracking (yes animal tracking has a lot to do with reading people), techniques and ideas taught to me by a former interrogator for the CIA, as well as professional people readers like Jo-Ellan Demitrius – I will give you a concise step-by-step approach to accurately reading people.

Preparing Yourself to Read People

I’m sorry to burst your bubble here, but there is no quick fix in learning to read people. I know you want to get right into learning the latest body-language interpretation techniques and principles, but as with most things, you need to first build a proper foundation. And that is what this post is about.

The first step in learning how to read people is gaining a general understanding of the makeup of others and surprisingly…ourselves. Without understanding the walls people build up around themselves, as well as the barriers that we put in our own way, we will never be able to successfully read people.

People are Like Onions-

When it comes to revealing ourselves to others, people are very much like a four-layered onion.

The outermost layer is that part of our personality that we reveal to strangers – the most superficial aspects of who we really are. An example of this can be seen when we talk with a stranger sitting next to us on a bus. Trivial topics like the weather, current events, sights and sounds around us are typical things we feel willing to talk about.

Around our friends and some acquaintances we feel comfortable enough to peel back that outermost layer to reveal the next one. For example, if you were chatting with a coworker this time, you would probably feel more comfortable revealing more about yourself. Your attitudes towards work, certain emotions and your general thoughts about life are some of the things that might come up in conversation.

The third layer is reserved for those with whom we have an intimate relationship with, such as a close friend or spouse. In many cases, intimate relationships take time to develop, and with that time, trust is earned. Imagine now sitting on that same bus next to your spouse or significant other. The depth of what you reveal this time is much greater than any previous layer. Your goals, personal problems, and fears and so on, all fall within this layer.

The fourth and innermost layer contains that part of ourselves that we don’t share with anyone. It contains our deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts and secrets that we would rather not acknowledge. The fact that we are trying to come to terms with many of these things ourselves makes us not comfortable sharing them with others.

The extent to which you can ‘read’ someone is determined by how many of their layers you’re able to get them to reveal. And here’s a little secret: a person will reveal their layers in direct proportion to you revealing yours. This is the onion theory in a nutshell.

-Removing our own Barriers-

The second part of preparing ourselves to read people involves removing the barriers that keep us from accurate ‘people-reading’. The two barriers are our prejudices and ourprojections.

When people think of prejudice, mostly the racial kind comes to mind. Although a part of it, this is not entirely what I’m talking about here. Anytime you make an opinion, whether it is positive or negative, without knowledge or examination of the facts, you are being prejudiced.

Whenever you come up with some preconceived notion based on things such as race, color, political alignment, or even the way people dress, it taints your ability to accurately read others. Our prejudices can be based on our fears, feeling threatened, upbringing or a myriad of other things.

Closely related to prejudice is projection. In the late 50′s Leon Festinger coined a phrase called ‘Cognitive Dissonance’ which can basically be described as the human tendency to close ones eyes and minds to things that are uncomfortable or disturbing. We tend to ‘project’ our view onto a situation because it is easier to deal with.

For example, a parent noticing a child’s slipping grades, lack of appetite, and tendency to come home late, might try to shrug it off as puberty or new-found love when it’s clear to everyone else that it may be a drug problem – something that the parent is unwilling to accept.

When we are emotionally committed to someone or something it can blind us from the truth of a situation, leading us to an incorrect reading of someone.

-Waiting Patiently with an Empty Cup-

The key to effectively reading people is by being completely objective – having an empty cup so to speak. Overcoming our biases, prejudices and projections allows us to be completely objective.

The last important step is learning to be patient. Don’t fill your cup up so fast that you rush in drawing your conclusions. I’ve seen this with my experiences in animal tracking. In the beginning I was in such a hurry to interpret the trail and the animal I was following that I’d fail to see the big picture. One time I remember my friend laughing at me while pointing out that what I thought were perfect sets of deer tracks, ended up only being the heel of a sneaker. If I took my time to let the whole picture develop and not come to a conclusion so quickly, it would have saved me the disappointment and embarrassment I felt.

It’s the same thing in learning to read people. As you learn the techniques to interpret peoples’ body language and environment (I will discuss this in the next posts), resist the urge to jump to conclusions. If you think for example that they are defensive because they have their arms folded – well maybe they’re sitting under an a/c vent and they’re simply cold. Are they lying because they’re fidgeting and seem nervous? Well, possibly they need to go to the bathroom real bad. In other words, hold off until later to make your final decision.

In the next post, I’ll be covering the second part in this series: “Beyond Words – what people are really saying”.

How to understand people better??

It is not necessary to have a degree in psychology to understand people. The tools are readily available to everyone. All that is required is interest, attentive listening and appropriate responses.

All talk is conducted for either obtaining or giving information or for psychological gain. It is important to understand the psychological needs that govern human communication.


People converse for satisfying four common needs: the need for attention (mattering), the need for connection (friendship, intimacy), the need for validation (being of value, increasing self- esteem), and the need for belonging (being a part of a group for safety and survival). Once we understand what drives interpersonal discourse, it is easier to understand what people need and how to provide it.


Most people enjoy the attention of being listened to. Attention confirms to us that we matter to the listener. It affirms our worth and creates a feeling of well being. We have all witnessed how some people vie for the opportunity to tell their story and have others focus on their every word. Some like to tell funny stories, jokes, or fascinating tales to hold the interest of their listeners. Others choose to recite their failings, misfortunes, or bad luck to capture not only attention; but compassion as well.

When we speak to establish a connection, we not only delight in the attention; but we search for a reaction of shared feelings, thoughts or experiences. Conversations with new acquaintances are often exploratory missions to detect areas of common interest. "Where did you grow up? Where did you go to school? Were you in the army, college or job environment similar to mine?" Once a point of convergence is found a kinship is established upon which a friendship may develop. As friendship evolves, intimacy may flourish as well.

Wanting to be validated, approved of, thought well of and impress others comes from the need to be liked. Positive regard from people reinforces our self-esteem and strengthens us emotionally. Even the most secure people still hunger for external confirmation of their internal self-worth. Some language is blatant in its' search for praise. "I just caught the biggest fish." "My boss says I am the best employee he has had in the past twenty years". Though these comments may sound like bragging, they are actually clear quests for admiration.


Belonging to a group is another strong human need. We feel safer, protected and cared for within our group. We create many sub-groups to help define us as uniquely connected. There are service groups, hobby groups, recreational groups, family groups, religious groups, national groups and more. Since historically man survived and thrived if he was part of a group, we became programmed to join and belong to feel safe and protected. Unfortunately, in order to strengthen one's belonging, some groups resort to developing a superior posture toward other groups. The language used by members of a group serves to enhance their strength, value and pride. "We belong together, we are the best."

People are quite transparent. They are open and divulging without even intending to do so. Since every person is only able to know himself, every statement made by each individual represents that person's ideas, values and personality.


All we need to do is be interested enough to listen and honor the speaker. Caring to hear what the person says affords the talker an opportunity to get his story told and his needs met. The better the listener, the more verbal the talker will be and the closer both people may become.

When we listen attentively, we will know the motivation for the conversation. Is the speaker telling us of his successes, (possibly asking for praise?) or about his woes (perhaps needing some compassion?) or asking about us (perhaps testing a connection?), or telling of his group (possibly affirming his worth or lovability?).

Listening, without judgement, for the need behind the words, prepares us to respond appropriately. We can affirm, be entertained, share our story, support a group connection, or validate the person's worth.


There are many additional clues people reveal about themselves while they speak. One example is the individual's view of life. Is he presenting a negative or positive story to obtain attention? Is he devaluing himself or exaggerating his strengths? Is his view of other people favorable or not? Does he seek distinction by discounting others? Though the need for the discourse may be identical, different people go about getting their needs met in their own personal way. The flavor of the presentation is indicative of each individual's personality.

To get to understand people better:

You need to know the common motivations for verbal exchanges.

® You need to be willing to listen carefully and respectfully to the speaker.

® You need to avoid criticism by accepting that this is this individual's chosen way for need fulfillment.

® If you can detect the need behind the words and provide an appropriate response, both of you will be enriched.

® The process of listening and responding well is an active process requiring complete concentration on the other person to the temporary abandonment of one's own needs.

® Through better understanding others, we better understand ourselves and can help create a more loving and receptive connection between people.

How to Be a Lovable Person?

When you see your friend that has many friends and is loved by people around her, you start to wonder how she can become the centre of attention. She looks so interesting and every people feel comfort to stay near her. So, how to be a lovable person?

In fact, it is not too difficult to be a lovable person. Everything is started from you. Do you like to make friend with someone who is polite, kind, and friendly? I am sure you will answer 'yes' for that question. So, treat others like you want to be treated by others.

Basically, as human being, every body has positive and negative sides, including you. So just try to develop your positive sides and make up your negative sides, especially when you socialize with others. If you want to be treated well by your friends, just treat them well.

To be interesting person, you do not need to be other persons or act like others. Just be yourself. Life is too short for you when you try to be others. You also have many positive sides, so just show them.

First, try to be a good listener for your friends. Sometimes it is hard to listen to something that we do not like, so you will be very appreciated when you give your time for listening to what people talk to you, even though if you do not like what they talk about. Be patient to face people around you; try to understand them.

When they ask for any opinion or suggestion to you, give the best answer you can give. Try to be wise, since it means they trust you. But if they do not ask for anything to you, do not give your opinion or judge them, because sometimes people just need to be listened to.

Second, try to remember and call their names well. It is a small thing but has great effect and many people often forget to do. A name is something personal and someone will be so appreciated when you call them well as his name since it shows that you remember him.

Third, keep your words. People would not be interested to you if you speak harshly or negatively. Say something positive. It is better if you speak wisely and has inspiration for others to think or do something positive.

Next is being helpful. Whenever your friends need your help and as long as you are able to help them, why do not you help them? People will remember you for every kind thing you have done for them. And you also feel a special happiness after helping them.

Five is saying sorry when you make mistake. It is normal for human being to have any fault and doing some mistakes, intentionally or unintentionally. Do not worry or be ashamed to say sorry from the deepest of your heart to them. And of course, when people have some mistakes to you, try to forgive them, so you will live in peace with every one.

Last but not least, give your smile and try to be cheer up. A smile has positive effects for every body, so when you smile at them, you make them comfort and feel that they are accepted. You look full of spirit and it gives positive energy to people around you. Smile, then the whole world will smile to you.

Steps

Go for the cute look. Make sure you're clean (of course),and not smothered in makeup. A little lip gloss and mascara, and that's it. For clothes, just wear anything you want-but make sure your clothes fit you, are clean, and compliment your shape. Keep your nails, hair, skin and teeth in good condition, Remember to stay clean and take showers/baths.

Be the nicest you can. Treat everyone like you would treat your best friend. Don't insult people or pick on them, and stick up for people who are being picked on. Don't get into a punch-up - just tell people to leave them alone. Keep your promises, don't be rude, and never gossip about someone

Whatever you're feeling, put a smile on your face. Don't stop being nice to someone or ignore people because your laptop broke down yesterday-put on a sweet smile and act normal. If you absolutely can't act normal, at least explain to people what's wrong. "Sorry if I snap. It's just that my laptop broke down yesterday and it had all of my homework on it!" is much better than, "Just leave me alone!". People will understand. If you are the kind of person that always seems to have something wrong, force yourself to smile because people won't be understanding forever. Just like you, they want to surround themselves with "happy shiny" people.

Get on the right side of your teachers. Hand in your homework when you should, don't talk in class or pass notes, and try hard. If you actually concentrate you can end up learning some really useful or interesting stuff-and you have the weekends, break times, and before and after school to talk to your mates. So tone it down and listen.

Be sensible and level headed. This will earn you respect and liking from older people such as parents, teachers, older students and other adults. In an emergency just think about what the most logical thing to do would be, and do it. Stay calm and don't scream or rush about.

Have self-esteem. Easier said than done, I know. You need to realize that you are worth something. Read articles on here about getting confident and stop procrastinating. If you don't like something about yourself, change it straight away. You have the power to do that. Remember that in order to be loved, you need to love and respect yourslef.

be a great listener. This tip always works. People like to be the center of interest.just listen to them, even if it bores you, and you will be amazed.

Tips

• Be loyal. Don't jump from one friend to another gossiping about them-- this will make all your friends dislike you, and will lose you your trust and give you a reputation.
• Don't panic if you don't get it right away. Do each step thoroughly and carefully before moving on to the next.
• Don't get excited and rush around.
• Do not do something to someone that you don't want to be done to you!
• Do not be mean to others even though people are mean to them.
• If someone insults you or says something, respond to them kindly and politely, but stand up for yourself so they feel guilty about saying terrible things about you in the future. Spread love, not hate, and you'll be seen as a good person who'll be kind, but not take anyone's foolishness.
• The most important thing is, accepting, loving and respecting yourself unconditionally. This is a very subtle phenomenon and when practiced steadfastly, it invariably sows the seeds of true love and respect for you in the hearts of others.

Warnings

• You may still be disliked or envied by some. Don't let this get to you-just be nice and try your best. Remember that in general, the same amount of people will like you and hate you. If you're a horrible person, horrible persons will like you. If you're nice and follow these steps, you'll be loved by nice people.
• Don't let one person let you down, there are plenty of other people out there.
• Don't ask someone out just to make someone else jealous. Both sides end up getting hurt. It'snot like the movies.
• Don't get taken advantage of, there's such thing as being too nice for your own good.
• Its OK to say no to something you don't want to do just let people down gently!
• Don´t change your personality too much, be careful not to push your feelings away.

How to Find Your Ideal Partner?

Steps:
Get to know yourself. How can you expect someone else to know you when you don't know who you are and what you're looking for?

Think about what you really want. Are you looking for someone to date or to marry at this point in your life? These partners can have much different qualities. In particular, looks and adventure seem to go with dating, while maturity, stability, and honesty go with marriage.

Ask yourself, “Have I really ever tried to pursue happiness?" Instead of always picking on your partner’s faults and making life unhappy for both, have you tried looking at the other, beautiful side of them, their beautiful qualities? Appreciating what you have already got? Tried improving on yourself instead, to becoming a better lover; a more ideal lover? Willing to open up yourself, giving both yourself and others a chance? Remember, what you expect of yours or your future partner is equally what he or she expects of you.

Examine the people you love to hang out with and the relationships that give you the most enjoyment and satisfaction.

Think of a relationship as a long-term investment rather than a game. It is something which both of you will have to genuinely think through and plan for. This should help you to take your partner more seriously.

Make sure you are settling down with someone who has the qualities you seek in a lifelong mate. Just because you enjoy dating someone does not mean you will be happy marrying them.

How To Choose Your Life Partner?

Choosing your life partner is one of the most important decisions you make in your life. Your future entirely lies on the threshold of the choice you make. With your future lying exposed to this decision, are you one amongst those who leave it to destiny? Would you settle for someone who does not fulfill your desires, because you think that your desires are way too specific? Worst - would you leave it to chance? Talking about choosing your life partner, the first thing would be on what basis would you make the choice. Remember, whatever be your choice, the person should be one with whom you can continue to grow, laugh, be surprised, share your interests and ideas year after year, without getting bored. Choose a person who is compatible with you and makes you feel loved and cared for. In the following lines, we have provided tips on how to choose your life partner.

Choosing Your Life Partner:

Determine Your Needs

Before choosing your life partner, you need to determine your needs. You need to find out what attributes you are looking for in your life partner. Pen down a wish list of all the things you are looking for - the most important ones as well as the seemingly unimportant ones. Right from physical looks, career, financial status to moral values, etiquettes and spiritual beliefs, make a list that covers all the sectors. This way you can limit your choice. For instance, if you are certain that your would-be should be a businessman / homemaker; your options would then be limited, as those who are in a job can be ignored.

 

Analyze Past Relationship

Many-a-times we are bombarded with the question - What did you learn from your past relationships? Though it might be embarrassing or hurting, the question is an important one to consider before choosing your life partner. Find out what was it that attracted you to your ex? Was it his/her smartness and looks? Was it his/her care and affection? Was it his/her financial status? You should also find out what went wrong in the once-so-rosy affair. This would help you find out your needs, which he/she could not fulfill.

 

Analyze People You Admire

Evaluating people you admire would also be a good option to consider before selecting your Mr. or Ms. Right. This would help you understand qualities that are important for you in life. You need to find out what is that you admire in them. Is it his/her sense of humor? Is he/she extremely loyal and trustworthy? Is it his/her family background?  By determining the characteristics of the person you admire, you are unknowingly or knowingly setting the mark for your ideal mate.

 

Personal Characteristics & Values

Though one of the most ignored sectors, determining personal characteristics and values is extremely vital. Remember, personal character defines the future of a person. For instance, if he/she is a hardworking and persistent person, he/she is likely to be financially well off in future. A person with strong moral values is likely to be spiritual. Identify the characteristic that you are looking for in your ideal mate. Right from compassion, affection, determination, honesty to sexuality, self-discipline, vivaciousness intelligence and wit, there are a lot of things you need to consider. If you are sociable, ideally your partner should be one who loves talking or making friends.

 

Take Time

Limiting yourself to a specific date or a scheduled time for finding the right partner is an unreasonable demand. Remember, it a matter of your life and your future is based on your choice. One wrong decision and you would be regretting and repenting all your life. These things are sensitive and can take from a few days to several months. Make sure you give in all the time that you want, before pronouncing the judgment.

 

Trust Your Choice

Remember, a person should dictate his/her needs and wants and not the other way round. Do not think about what you 'should' want. Instead, focus on what you want and desire in life. Do not be concerned about whether your desires and needs are right or shallow or unpopular. Keep in mind, no two persons can have the same needs or wants. Once you have made a choice, trust it and give in your 100% in the relationship! Good luck!

 

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? Perhaps you have a shopping list of “must have” traits. If so, you are not alone. The most common characteristics people want in their partners include honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, openness to new ideas, stability, communication, common hobbies and interests, and willingness to work on the relationship to make it succeed. Though men and women might seek similar traits in a partner, research has demonstrated that each individual focuses on different qualities. Men typically want a relationship that allows autonomy, while women look for a sense of connection.

To begin your quest to find the right partner, think about the traits and behaviors you prefer. Most people automatically think of superficial traits such as “height” or “blue eyes.” Though these traits can be important, other traits are more important when it comes to having a healthy, long-term relationship. Here is a list of some important qualities to consider:

Commitment to personal growth

• Is interested in learning how to be a better person and spouse.
• Is aware of emotional baggage, blind spots, and weaknesses.
• Has personal goals for self-improvement.



Emotional Openness

• Is aware of his or her own feelings
• Is able to express his or her feelings
• Desires to share feelings with you



Integrity

• Is honest with himself or herself
• Is honest with others and you
• Does not play games about wants and feelings



Maturity and Responsibility

• Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles finances
• Is able to take care of himself or herself
• Follows through on promises, shows up on time, doesn't let people down
• Respects your boundaries, feelings, time, etc.



High Self-esteem

• Takes pride in himself or herself without being arrogant
• Takes care of body, living environment, car, possessions
• Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her



Positive Attitude Towards Life

• Focuses on solutions instead of problems
• Turns obstacles into opportunities
• Sees the good in situations and people

Now that your list is complete consider some flaws that are fatal to a relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be capable of having a relationship. However, you may have a problem-filled relationship. According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD the following is a list of fatal flaws:

• Addictions
• Anger
• Victim consciousness
• Control freak
• Sexual dysfunction
• Hasn't grown up
• Emotionally unavailable
• Hasn't recovered from past relationships
• Emotional damage from childhood

Analyze Yourself

Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and handle them . In addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want to develop in future relationship(s)? Finally, examine other factors that might affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female roles, religious background, and socioeconomic needs.

Analyze Your Relationship

Once you are in a relationship continue to examine your compatibility with your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to be in a relationship. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities you like because they don't interest your partner or reducing communication with family members your partner dislikes.

Talk to Your Partner

You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. You need to find out the behaviors and attitudes you can expect for later. It is important to learn not only about your partner but also about your partner's relationship with his or her family. Moreover, learning about your partner's family will provide insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:

• What do you like to do for fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
• How do you handle tough times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
• What were your parents like when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
• What are your plans for the future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money? Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about? What conversations do you like to avoid?

Take Your Time

Overall, be patient. Take the time to get to know potential partners before jumping into a relationship. After all, you wouldn't select the first apple that caught your eye in the produce bin! Why be any less selective with your choice of mate.

How to choose a desirable partner and avoid a bad choice?

 

To be able to recognize a suitable mate, you have to know what actually constitutes a desirable partner. Many people don't have an idea of what truly satisfies them. They confuse what they need with what they want, and for what they'll settle. Many have no clue of what they really expect, and expectations can set the foundation for how gratifying you regard a relationship. The greater your expectation, the more frustrated you can be. Ultimately, you can reach a point where you can accurately determine what satisfies you through self-evaluation.
I have found that if you stopped many couples just before they headed down the aisle and asked them what satisfied them, many would have to think long and hard before they could answer. Yet, if they knew what they wanted and what satisfied them, and were able to communicate such information, I'll bet that the 50 percent divorce rate would drop significantly. Like being unprepared for a test, being unprepared for a relationship will very often result in frustration and failure. You can pick the wrong person.

You will not have an enduring relationship until you know what satisfies you. There are very different ways this can be ascertained. 

Discovering what truly satisfies you is difficult for many people because it entails examining your inner self and acknowledging what it is that really matters most to you beyond your "ideal" wants list. This list is largely based on your life experiences. A baby responds immediately by crying when he or she is not satisfied. He or she can be easily satisfied by being held or fed. Therefore, a baby immediately learns that crying leads to being satisfied. As we grow, we learn that there are increasingly more things that satisfy us and we find many ways to achieve that satisfaction.
Not unlike your "wants" list, you will find that what satisfied you when you were in your twenties might be completely different than what satisfies you when you are in your thirties, forties or fifties. It also can vary because of external factors.
To know what satisfies you, you have to be able to see, hear, taste, and feel experiences in your life. You need to be aware of your beliefs and know what you are passionate about. When you can identify the pleasurable feelings that accompany certain activities, you can start to acknowledge the sensation of feeling satisfied. You can then repeat those behaviors that create satisfaction and stop doing things that create negative reactions. Your brain will tell you what looks good, smells good, tastes good, sounds good and feels good. So, listen to it.
Ironically, many people are unable to know what really satisfies them because they are much more in touch with what dissatisfies them. They focus on the negative rather than on positive experiences. They have not taken the time to become aware of what makes them feel good. Such negativity is, unfortunately, not uncommon today. Perhaps we take the positive aspects for granted, or perhaps the media has pointed out the negatives so often on news reports that we have become programmed to find flaws and recall bad experiences more quickly than good ones.
The point is, you may need to dig down and push yourself to think of what made you feel satisfied, physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually and so on. And by satisfied, we mean feeling good inside, stress-free and happy.
When you figure out what satisfies you, you will have an understanding of the core factors that are necessary for you to have a lasting relationship. Most of the "wants" are nice to have, but are not essentials, unlike what satisfies.

It's sometimes difficult for many to just read the warning signs in front of them. When a relationship begins, you may wonder, "what will we ever fight about?" We tend to put on rose-colored glasses and make assumptions about the new partner. We like to hold positive illusions unless a person has trust issues. To avoid getting fooled again, you have to not discount what you are told and read what's in front of you. If she has a vanity license plate that says PRINCESS, understand that. If a person says they don't want to get serious, take them at their word. If they state that they are a bad person to get involved with, believe them. If they do something that indicates a substance abuse problem, they have significant anger issues or will have problems with fidelity( if this is important to you), don't put yourself in an "if only...but" situation. This relationship would be great if only but they didn't" ( fill in the blank with drink, spend carelessly, gamble, be abusive etc.)
Some really don't want to avoid poor choices because their actions, not words, indicate they get involved in co-dependent relationships. If you engage a person who has more problems than you, guess whom you don't have to focus on? Whose issues you can deny and avoid? In other words, some people act as if they want or need to make poor choices because it provides them with an excuse to sit on the pity pot and to feel victimized. Many self-sabotage themselves by making bad decisions.

Ten Steps to Interview Success

 

Step 1 - Know The Company

Companies like candidates who know what they want. They are also impressed with someone who has done some digging before arriving at the interview. Make the effort to research your target organization, and you'll find yourself ahead of the competition. Given two equal candidates, the one who shows the most interest usually wins.

You can find out about larger organizations by using Web search engines or, even better, by going to your target organization's Web site. There are other Web-based sources, too. If your company is smaller or local, visit the library and ask the research librarian for help.

Step 2 - Know Yourself

In an interview, your job is to sell yourself . . . so you need to know precisely what you're selling. Once you define that, you can apply these insights to the needs of your target company. Connecting the two successfully is the best way to get yourself hired. Above all else, be authentic. Like a dog that can sniff fear on a person, an employer can intuit your sincerity and true level of interest and commitment.

You're "selling" your skills and yourself as a person. First: Your skills. An easy way to uncover yours is to list your accomplishments and then think of which skills it took to do them. Did baby-sitting require psychological sensitivity? Did selling kitchen knives require skills of persuasion? Review your list, and refine your skills into a "package" you can explain easily in a minute or two.

Next: You as a person. Most organizations want honest, smart, friendly, motivated, and responsible employees. Do you deal well with people? Are you flexible and open to learning? Did you, for example, show determination to get back on the slopes after you broke your leg skiing? Again, after you make your list, refine it so you can explain your personal "assets" in a minute or two.

Step 3 - Practice

You can make all the lists you want, but there's no substitute for rehearsing how you'd handle an interview. Ask your parent, sibling, or best friend to be the interviewer, and give her or him a list of questions to throw at you. There are ways to handle each of these. If you know what they are before you're in the "hot seat," your confidence going into the interview will soar. And remember, if you get a question that you can't answer, simply say you don't know.

Then say the question is something to which you would like to give more thought and that you are willing to learn what it takes. Again, an employer will respect someone who is honest and open about his or her limitations.

Body language is the other thing to be well aware of. If you have a video camera, use it for the practice; otherwise a mirror will do. Hand and arm movements shouldn't be too large. Don't fiddle. Your posture should be relaxed, but alert. Don't slouch; if you look bored in the interview why wouldn't the recruiter presume that you'd then be bored in the job too? Communicate interest and energy. Be yourself.

Step 4 - Dress The Part

You wouldn't wear a white suit to a funeral (unless you're in China, where it's expected), and you wouldn't wear cargo shorts to an interview. With any organization, the way to dress is the way you would dress if you got the job. If you don't know what that is, ask. If you can't get any information on the company's style of attire, dress a little more formally than you think you might need to.

Personal grooming is part of your "dress" too. A good haircut or trim will impress. So will clean fingernails, a fresh-scrubbed look, pleasant breath, and a white smile (a recent teeth-cleaning can't hurt). And please, no perfume or aftershave ... you might love how you smell with that scent, but others may not!

Step 5 - Get There Early

This may seem obvious, but if you're not on time for your interview, the game is over. Getting there early allows you to take a few deep breaths, organize your notes, refresh your memory on a few points that you've found difficult in your practices, and scan any company materials that may be available in the waiting room. It also allows you to answer the "call of nature" (if there is a call) and to make any last-minute appearance adjustments.

The result? You'll feel better about yourself, and you'll be more relaxed in the interview. So leave plenty of time, and get there early. It gives you a psychological edge.

Step 6 - Make A Good Impression

It may seem cruel, but first impressions can be deal makers... or breakers. The interviewer starts forming opinions from the moment the two of you shake hands. No kidding. And by the way, that handshake is critical. Here's how to do it correctly:

• Look the interviewer in the eye as you offer your hand.
• Shake his or her hand firmly ... but not like a vise.
• Smile at the same time, and say something enthusiastic like, "Hello Mr. McGillicutty, it's great to meet you!"

As you walk to his or her office, make some small talk-- team or sports scores, how great the lobby looks, a recent storm... you get the gist. Establish positive vibes and the rest of the interview will feel more natural and less like you're being grilled at the Spanish Inquisition.

Step 7 - Answer Well

You're going to be asked some questions, but there are some tricks to answering them well:

• Don't ramble. It's better to give a shorter answer with strong points in it than to babble on for five minutes in a disorganized fashion.
• Look the interviewer in the eye when you're answering. If you don't, he or she may think you're fabricating your answer right there on the spot.
• Gather your thoughts. If you need a minute to collect your thoughts in order to answer a specific question, feel free to say: "I need to think about that for a moment ... " or "That's a great question ..." The interviewer will respect your honesty and your desire to offer a thoughtful answer. If a question is a difficult one, try to remember how to approach it. If you blank out, be honest, but definitely put a positive spin on your answer. A little humor never hurts either.

Step 8 - Ask Questions

Usually at the end of an interview, you'll be asked if you have any questions. If you don't ask something, it can be taken as a sign of lack of interest . . . so prepare some questions before the interview. There are two areas to question -- the organization and the job itself. We recommend asking about the job first. Are you clear on the responsibilities of the job? If not, ask for clarification.

Do you see where the job fits into the structure of the organization? Do you understand whom you'll be working with, and what their expectations of your work are? By the way, do not ask about the salary or benefits -- vacation, holidays, sick days, etc. -- in the first interview. Leave that for after they have presented you with an offer.

Be sure you know what the next steps are after the interview. Are they going to contact you? When do they think they can do that? Would they prefer you to follow up with them? How is the best way to do that?

The end of the interview is also a good time to emphasize how interested you are in taking the process to the next step and why you think you'd be the perfect candidate for the job. Do not beg for the job, but let your positive energy and enthusiasm win the day. Upon leaving, make sure to shake the person's hand again and make sincere eye contact. And, of course, don't forget to thank him or her.

Step 9 - Be Yourself

This is the most important step. No matter what anyone says, you can't pretend to be someone you're not. In the interview, let who you really are shine through. Trained interviewers spot actors quickly. Be proud of that precious collection of talents, motivations, and skills that make you the individual that you are. Believe in your ability to learn, grow, and develop, and act accordingly. Show "the real you" -- sense of humor and all -- and you'll be well on the way to getting hired.

Step 10 - Follow Up

Your interview isn't over when you walk out the door. As soon as you get home, write a short thank-you note to your interviewer. You appreciated the time they spent with you and the chance to learn more about the job and the organization, so tell them.

If you promised to send something additional --writing samples or another copy of your resume, for example -- make sure to enclose it. Keep your note short, and restate your understanding of the next step. If you'd like to add something you forgot to say, this is the time and place.

You'd be surprised how many candidates never offer this simple bit of courtesy. Send a thank-you note, and you'll stand out in the crowd.

Here are the 5 steps to successful interview preparation:


1. Go through your resume - This seems like a pointless step, where you will say "I do not need to go through my resume, I made it and I know it verbatim". But, it is always better to go through your resume and try to understand it from the point of view of the interviewer. What was it that attracted the attention of the interviewer for you to get an interview call? When you do this, you may understand what it is that the company is looking for and what it is expecting from you. This puts you at an advantage during the interview. 

2. Go online again - The Internet is your best friend. It helped you create the perfect resume and perfect cover letters, now it will help you understand the company. Visit the company website and understand everything about the company and its activities. The more information about the company you have the better equipped you are for the interview. 

3. Study and learn - Try to study and learn all that there is about the company. The more you know the better you are going to feel about going in for that interview. Knowledge is your best friend during an interview. 

4. Rehearse - Ever heard anyone tell you to make a script for an interview? Well, making a script for an interview makes sense. It helps you rehearse the kind of questions that you know will be asked and you can rehearse the answers to give the best ones possible. You will be asked questions on your past positions and achievements. You will also be asked to describe your strengths and weaknesses, what can you bring in terms of skill to the workplace. These are the kind of questions you can prepare the answers to. You can ask a friend to rehearse with you and make the preparation for your big interview fun.


5-Prepare a list of questions - Most people think that when they go for an interview, they have to answer all the questions and ask none. This is a mistake. Most interviewers appreciate questions. This shows that you have prepared and researched before coming for the interview, and that the job is important for you. Do not ask questions like "How much will I get paid?" or "What benefits will I get?" first. Save these for later. Ask questions that are more position and company oriented. Ask those questions relevant to information given by the interviewer.

6 Immediate Steps After Receiving An Interview Call:

It is obviously very exciting to receive a job interview call or email after you have been distributing your resume around like newspapers. Your heart jumps with a mixture of joy, expectation and apprehension. This is a good time to professionally prepare for that interview. Let’s examine what first steps we should take when the phone call bears that good news:

1. Write down day/ time: As soon as you receive the notification for an interview call, make a point to note down the exact day and time immediately. If it’s an email, you should separate it away in your ‘important’ folder so that it is not lost in your other emails by your friends telling you about their extended vacation in the Bahamas. Mark the day and date on a kitchen calendar if possible. It’s not unheard of about people mixing up their dentist’s appointment with a job interview. As an added insurance, tell someone close to you about the schedule. They might be able to remind you of it in the unlikely event of your overlooking the event.

2. Look up location on a map: Unless you are already familiar with the place of interview, please look it up as soon as possible on a map. It is a good idea to look it up on Google maps and I would go as far as visiting Google’s street view, if available in your country, to have a look at the office building. Not only this view gives you an idea of the place you will be going to, but you can also calculate the exact distance and time required to reach the place on the interview day. These simple steps give a physical shape to the whole interview process and are helpful in your preparation.

3. Set up transport: Unless you are already familiar with the place of interview, please look it up as soon as possible on a map. It is a good idea to look it up on Google maps and I would go as far as visiting Google’s street view, if available in your country, to have a look at the office building. Not only this view gives you an idea of the place you will be going to, but you can also calculate the exact distance and time required to reach the place on the interview day. These simple steps give a physical shape to the whole interview process and are helpful in your preparation.

4. Files and folders: Now that all arrangements have been made to reach your destination in time smoothly, you should turn to other important preparations. At first opportunity, go through that pile of papers on your desk or drawer and pull out all the relevant papers related to that particular interview. That includes the job ad, your certifications and relevant documents. Put them all in a file or folder and neatly arrange them in order. Do not leave this to the last day as your mom might have cleaned your drawer out for you and today she might be away to your cousin’s for overnight and might not remember where she put away your ‘pile’ of papers.

5.Clothes:  It is only when you receive your call that you realise you have only two days or two weeks to prepare. So the first preference always is to keep a set of interview worthy formal clothes ready at all times when you start job hunting. If not, dive into your closet as soon as you finish the call informing you about the interview, and start making the required set of clothes. If a piece of clothing is to be given to the drycleaner, make double sure about the delivery times as the owner might decide to go away to Ukraine to visit his sick brother and the caretaker wouldn’t know anything about your clothes. At home, never assume that nice tie to be in its place in the drawer as your three year old might have used it to polish his dirty fire truck.

6.Employer research: Finally to the most important part after you receive your interview call. Pull out all the information about the company that has invited you for interview, including the job ad. Visit their website, if any, to learn as much about them as possible. Look up their staff page, if any, as many of them have pictures and designations posted. Make a mental note of them. You will be surprised how much this research is going to help you calm your nerves on D day and you will score high with the interview panel once they find out that you know a lot about their organisation. It will bring forth your passion to work for them and may lend you that coveted position.

Twenty-five Steps to a Good Interview

1. Interview in person or on the telephone? If convenient, it's best to do it in person. Then you can catch the essence of the person in their surroundings and home.

2. Call ahead for an appointment and indicate your publication. If you're a freelancer, then say so when scheduling the interview. Don't underestimate the time you'll need for the interview. 

Where will you meet? Their home? Their office? I prefer a neutral location. It helps set the person at ease and cuts down on interruptions. I dislike using restaurants since taping is impossible. If you do interview at a restaurant, be prepared to pay.

Is your interview an exclusive or will it be shared with others? Find out ahead of time so you are not surprised.

3. Before the interview, know as much as possible about the person. Have a current bio sheet sent to you ahead of time.

4. Cultivate a relaxed atmosphere.

5. When you first arrive, utilize the informal moments to gather impressions--atmosphere of the house, details like flowers or cars in the driveway. Pay your subject a sincere compliment to set the person at ease from the beginning.

6. To tape or not to tape. In a number of states, the law requires that the subject knows you are taping. If it is a sensitive interview, you will want to keep that tape for your records. 

Always inform the person, asking, "If it's all right with you, I'm going to tape this conversation because you may be speaking faster than I can write. I want to make sure it's right."

If you record the interview, also take notes since nothing is failproof. 

7. On or off the record? I assume it is on the record, unless the person says that it is not. I prefer not to go off the record. When part is on and part is off, I mark my notes clearly. 

8. Prepare your questions before the interview. Write out a short list but don't show the questions to your subject. The only exception is when you have to interview through the mail or email. Some times this is the only way to get the information. You can also interview by tape. Send a tape with the questions and get tape recorded answers from the person.

If sharing the interview with a competing publication, try to get a portion where you ask your questions in private.

9. Begin with the non-threatening, non-emotional topics. Usually this means you will begin with something about their life background. I check the information from their bio and the clips to see if there are any gross errors of fact.

10. Then move the interview to the person's achievements, ideas and beliefs. You will begin to ask and talk about areas which are more conceptual.

11. Catch the uniqueness, the mannerisms, and the feelings of the person. That's why interviewing in person better than on the phone. 

12. Observe the person's features. Good stories will include this information in the article. 

13. Let the person reminisce, but if time is limited, be aware that you may have to interrupt. The more limited your time, the more you have to keep the interview on track.

14. Here's some techniques to get people talking: "Tell me about..." Or "Did you ever..." Or "How did you feel when..." If you need to play the devil's advocate, instead of direct confrontation say, "Suppose a critic were to say..."

15. Know your market for the article. What would your readers ask? What would they sense and hear?

16. At the end of the interview, lay down your pen, turn off your laptop computer and have a little chat. This is where they may remember things they haven't before. Provided they aren't spooked, it's all right to open up your notebook and take more notes.

17. Use the feedback principle to restate the views of the person.Sometimes I'm not sure what they are after. "In other words, your theory is..." Sometimes I want them to say it better than they have but don't want to ask them directly. I use phrases like, "What I hear you saying is..."

18. Don't allow yourself to become the subject and tell your life story. When the subject says, "Tell me about yourself...," use something like, "The reason, I'm here is to talk with you." 

19. Do you send a copy of your story to the subject beforehand?You may have to. I agree to send it after publication--and only if they ask for it.

20. I agree to check all direct quotes or factual matters, but I don't agree to their editing my story. An exception is when your publisher has already made such an agreement before the interview. 

21. Ask ahead of time to call back for clarification or additional input. This paves the way for any possible gaps from your interview. Stress that you want to be careful and accurate.

22. Anticipate any possible objections and opposition to your story but go in with an open mind.

23. Don't argue or try to prove the interviewee wrong. This is not the forum for that. If the article is to include opposite views, tell the person that you're looking for diversity of views.

24. If your interview is refused, you can simply say, "Thank you anyway and that's that." Or "Thank you. But if you don't mind, I'll check with you again in a month. Or "The story will be more balanced and fair if your views are represented. I wanted to hear your side. Are you sure that you won't change your mind?" Or in a hard ball approach, "I'm writing the story anyway, so it will be a better story if your views are included?"

Ask if they will answer written questions. Or would they be willing to give a 15-minute phone interview or do it by tape? 

25. Be genuinely interested in the other person. Thank them for the interview. They've given of their time about themselves. Remind them of the publication and the date. Make arrangements for the photos.